Do you have a bipolar partner who goes into psycho mode because they lost a piece of paper or because they’re running ten minutes late? When your bipolar partner is in a bad mood, even the littlest things can flip their mood upside down. About a week ago, I got in a really bad mood. I spent two days in what my partner and I refer to as being “in a mood.”
Nobody likes to be around me when I am in a mood. Everyone walks on eggshells, trying not to say the wrong thing. I am not exactly mean, but I am extremely difficult to be around. This is, unfortunately, a common issue in bipolar relationships. We’re, of course, moody, but the bad moods are the most difficult moods for others to deal with.
So, What Should You Do When Your Bipolar Partner Is in a Bad Mood
If you’re in a relationship with a Bipolar person, you have probably already witnessed how quickly our moods can flip. One minute we’re fine, the next minute we’re hyper, overly confident, or impulsive. On top of these moods, most bipolar people also have issues with irritability and anger.
Because our nervous systems are extremely sensitive, the littlest things can set us off. Next thing you know, we’re complaining, grumping around, or acting hostile. No matter what you say, we act moody, mean, or volatile. Sometimes you just don’t know what to do. This is a common problem in bipolar relationships.
Are these bad moods simply a part of our disorder, or did something trigger the bad mood? If your partner’s moods are volatile, there are things you can do to help, and also, things you’ll want to avoid, so their bad mood doesn’t spiral into a fight.
Don’t Take It Personally
The first thing you should know about our bad moods and mood swings is that they’re not your fault, and most of the time, they have nothing to do with you. Unless your partner tells you directly that they’re upset with you, don’t assume the bad mood is about you.
We’re often hard on ourselves, stressed out, or stuck in our own heads, ruminating about something that is bothering us. Try not to get defensive or make it about you, because this will likely irritate them and make things worse. If they weren’t mad at you to begin with, they might become mad at you and direct their anger and bad mood towards you, instead of what they are really upset about. Instead of focusing on what you might have done wrong, remember that you aren’t the cause of their bad mood or their disorder.
The best thing you can do when they get like this is to remain calm and not add to the mental stress that’s causing their bad mood. Try to keep your own head cool and allow them time to come out of their mood. Because, even though it might not seem like it, our bad moods aren’t much different from anyone else’s. We’re more emotional and sensitive, so our bad moods may come out in more extreme ways, like yelling, drama, tantrums, or even silence, depending on how we handle our emotions. Just like anyone else, though, our bad moods won’t last forever.
Don’t Try to Calm Them Down or “Cheer” Them Up
Of course, you’re going to want the bad mood to be over. Nobody enjoys being around someone who’s in a bad mood — bipolar or not. And if you care about your partner, your first instinct is probably to make them feel better or cheer them up. But sometimes these moods just need to run their course.
You might not be able to lift their mood, but you can keep it from getting worse. Let them blow off steam and vent if they need to, but don’t try to cut their feelings short or force them out of their mood. Even though you mean well, your attempts to cheer them up might feel like you’re dismissing or not validating what they’re going through. Often, the best thing you can do is allow them to sit with their feelings and calm down in their own time.
Don’t Try to Fix Things
A lot of us are fixers. When we see our partner struggling with something, we want to fix it. However, when people are in a bad mood, they don’t want you to fix things for them. They might want you to listen or allow them to vent, but they probably don’t want your advice or your help fixing things. If they ask for your advice or help, certainly offer it. But, if they’re just in a bad mood, trying to fix things for them might irritate them or make them feel like you’re not listening.
They are already extremely irritable, so try not to irritate them more by trying to fix things. They don’t want you to try to talk them out of their mood. They might want you to go away, but they probably don’t want your help and aren’t in the frame of mind to listen, even if you have some good advice. Save your fixing for later.
Don’t Minimize Their Feelings
“It’s not that bad. Why are you so upset about this? Seriously? You’re mad about that?”
These are examples of things you don’t want to say. When we’re in a bad mood, the root cause might seem insignificant to you, but it feels very important to us. Even if we know deep down that we’re being ridiculous, it doesn’t change our emotions or our mood.
You might not minimize our feelings directly, but you still might try to make us feel better with comments like, “It’s not so bad,” or “It could be worse.” We don’t want to hear any of your consolation. What we want is for you to listen or to give us space without trying to cheer us up or downplay how we feel. Let us sit with our emotions and work through them. Eventually, we’ll calm down. I promise.
We Might Be Clingy, But Also Want Space
One of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with a bipolar partner is knowing what we need in the moment. Sometimes when we’re in a bad mood, we’re also experiencing dysphoric mania (or a mixed state). This means we feel down and up at the same time—an irritable, negative form of mania. It makes managing emotions really difficult.
During this state, we may act clingy and emotional, or pull away and not want to talk. Sometimes we bounce back and forth between the two. While this is tough for you to deal with, it’s also tough for us. Most of the time, we know we’re being moody but still can’t regulate our emotions.
One of the best things you can do is ask us what we need. “Is there anything I can do to help you feel better? Do you want a hug, or do you need some space?” Good, gentle communication helps even when we’re not easy to communicate with.
We’re Probably Tired
I talk about sleep a lot, but sleep is one of the biggest triggers for a mood change. When we’re tired, we’re much more likely to end up in a bad mood. That’s true for everyone, but with bipolar disorder, those bad moods can be more intense and harder to manage. Once we’re in one, it can be difficult to settle down.
This may not be something you can control, but it helps to pay attention to when our bad moods happen. Do they show up after a night or two of poor sleep? Are we drinking too much caffeine? You might not be able to change anything in the moment, but once the mood has passed, you can talk about it and encourage your partner to work on healthier sleep habits.
It’s Okay for You to Set Boundaries
One thing you need to know is that your mental health matters too. You can’t sacrifice your own well-being just to keep your bipolar partner calm. It’s okay to take care of yourself. It’s okay to step away from their bad moods. If their mood is affecting you, let them know gently that you need some space, and then walk away. Setting boundaries is important for both of you. It keeps the relationship from becoming codependent and helps protect both of our mental health.
Use Good Communication
The calmer you are, the calmer we are. If you mirror our bad energy, it only makes it harder for us to settle down. This is where co-regulation comes in. Your calm tone, steady body language, and grounded presence can help soothe us and give our nervous system something to “borrow” until we can regulate ourselves again.
We crave emotional stability, and even when we struggle to maintain it on our own, your steadiness can make a huge difference. When you don’t react to our mood swing with a mood swing of your own, it helps us get balanced and grounded more quickly.
Give Yourself Some Extra Self-Care
Bad moods can be contagious, and our bad moods can drain you. If you’ve spent an entire day (or more) around us while we’re in a bad mood, it’s going to affect you. Even if you’re usually good at handling stress, it still takes a toll on your mental health.
To stay happy in a relationship with a bipolar partner, you need time for your own self-care. If we’re draining your energy, take some time for yourself. Go to the gym, take a walk, listen to uplifting music, or do something that recharges you.
We depend on you in many ways to help keep our moods steady, so your mood needs to stay stable, not bouncing around with ours. Taking care of yourself is one way you can support us.
Bad Moods Don’t Last Forever, and Don’t Have to Ruin Your Relationship
Remember, bad moods don’t last forever. Eventually, your bipolar partner will calm down and return to a more level state. If they seem angry all the time or are constantly stuck in a bad mood, it’s a good idea to talk about it.
It’s easy to assume every mood shift is “just bipolar,” but often there are real-life stresses behind it like work, relationship struggles, or other challenges that trigger the mood. It’s not always simply “being in a mood” again.
When the time is right, after things have calmed down, take some time to talk and listen. Sometimes offering emotional support helps your partner figure out what’s really bothering them, or even resolve it, which can lead to fewer bad moods over time.
When to Get Help
Bad moods are part of bipolar disorder, but if they become constant, turn into emotional or verbal abuse, or leave you feeling unsafe, you may need outside support — or even need to leave the relationship. It’s important to have support for yourself when you’re with a bipolar partner.
It’s not your job to fix them, be their doctor, therapist, or caretaker. If you don’t already have a therapist, it may help to seek out your own mental health support. A relationship becomes unhealthy when one partner is doing all the work and the other is receiving all the support. Your mental health matters too, and emotional abuse is never okay, even when your partner is bipolar.
