When you have bipolar disorder, being too nice can affect your mental health. I was way too nice, and it was wrecking my mental health. Here’s how I stopped.
People have a lot of misconceptions about bipolar disorder. They see us as angry, abusive, or aggressive, but they don’t usually think of us as “nice”. Yet many of us are actually too nice. And when you live with bipolar disorder, being too nice can take a toll on your energy and mental health. Let me explain.
I’ve always been a nice person, and I liked that about myself. I thought I was better than other people who were rude, aggressive, and blunt. I thought being nice was a good thing and a good quality until one day I realized being nice was destroying my mental health.
What people rarely talk about with mental health, especially with bipolar disorder, is everything that happens behind the scenes. Mental health is not just about brain chemistry. Managing your mental health also means managing your energy and what you allow in your life.
When you’re too nice, you often attract people who take advantage of you. You let things slide, avoid conflict, and stop advocating for yourself. On top of that, when you live with a mental illness, you may not have the energy or clarity to change these patterns. It’s hard to fix the outside conditions in your life when the inside feels out of whack.
Even though I liked being nice, I’ve always known I put up with things I shouldn’t. I loved too hard and gave too much. I thought I just needed to work on my assertiveness, but I didn’t realize how much of my life was spent people-pleasing. I needed to change.
My mental health didn’t start improving until I started changing this part of me. The part of me that stayed in relationships that didn’t serve me, that gave more than people gave back, that allowed chaos in my life because I was too understanding, too compassionate, and too loyal to people who didn’t deserve this. I was TOO NICE.
I’m going to share how being nice was wrecking my mental health, signs that you might be too nice, why we fall into this pattern, what I did to stop, and how it changed me.
How being nice was wrecking my mental health
Being too nice didn’t just make me a people pleaser. It wrecked my emotional stability and made it harder to manage my disorder. It trapped me in situations that kept me from growing and learning how to manage my bipolar disorder. Instead of working on my mental health, I stayed stuck in places that made it worse.
It started with my marriage. Your partner can make or break your mental health. When you have bipolar disorder, it’s crucial to have a supportive partner. I didn’t. My relationship was toxic almost from the start. But because I was a people pleaser, I tolerated emotional abuse, tried to avoid any conflicts, constantly apologized, and kept forgiving. People told me to “put my foot down,” but instead, I enabled him until my life was completely falling apart. That’s when I finally left.
It wasn’t just my marriage. Being too nice affected every area of my life. My kids didn’t respect or listen to me. My home had no order. In my business, clients took advantage of me to the point I was practically working for free. Add bipolar mania and depression into the mix, and you can see how this became a problem.
My manic spending sprees often centered around helping other people. I was so nice that everyone came to me with their money problems, and spending money on them was a huge trigger that made the mania worse. It felt good to be nice, but it also made me manic.
It took me a long time to realize I was too nice, and even longer to figure out how to change it. Some of us know we’re too nice but don’t know how to stop. Others don’t even realize our “niceness” is actually people-pleasing, not genuine kindness.
So how do you know if you’re being too nice? Here are some of the signs I began to notice in myself.
Signs You’re Too Nice
You Say Yes When You Want To Say No
You know when someone asks you for help and, in your head, you’re already screaming “No, hell no”, but you still say out loud, “Sure.” I did this more times than I can count. I agreed to things I didn’t want to do. And every time, it led to stress. They often would expect more. I’d feel overwhelmed while they were frustrated and disappointed. And yet there I was, exhausted and trying to make them happy, all because I couldn’t just say no in the first place.
You Put Others’ Needs Above Your Own
It’s okay to put someone else first sometimes. But if you always come second, this isn’t being nice. It’s people-pleasing. I did this most of my life.
In my relationships, I’d handle all the housework and responsibilities without asking for help. And even when someone did try to help, I’d take it right back. Not because I didn’t need the help, but because I felt guilty letting them do anything. I did the same thing with friends and coworkers. I’d buy lunch for people while draining my own bank account. I’d take care of everyone else, even when I was completely broke myself.
You Don’t Like to Upset or Disappoint People
Have you ever agreed to a social event you didn’t want to attend, or volunteered for something you weren’t interested in? I know I have. Because I am a web designer, I’d help people all the time, only to realize that I overcommitted by being nice. Instead of saying, “Sorry, this isn’t going to work,” I’d push myself to exhaustion.
There’s nothing wrong with keeping your word, but when disappointing people makes you anxious or keeps you from putting your own needs first, it’s a problem.
You Stay in Relationships to Avoid Hurting Them
Have you ever stayed in a relationship long after you knew it wasn’t right — not because you were happy, but because you didn’t want to hurt the other person? Or kept a friendship you outgrew just to avoid an uncomfortable conversation?
I used to dread hurting people, so I stayed in relationships too long, even when I was unhappy. Being too nice isn’t just about doing nice things. It can also manifest in staying in relationships you no longer align with just to avoid upsetting someone else.
You Constantly Apologize Or Over-Explain
Oh boy, did I have a problem with this. Apologizing nonstop is incredibly annoying to people. Most healthy friendships and partners find it annoying. The only people who don’t seem to mind are the people who got you apologizing too much in the first place.
This was the first big sign I noticed (and changed) about myself after my divorce. After a couple of relationship partners pointed out how much I apologized and how much it bothered them, I started working on it. Over-apologizing can be a sign of emotional abuse as well as people-pleasing, but it is a huge sign that you have a problem with being too nice.
Noticing these patterns in myself made me start asking the deeper question. Why did I become a people pleaser?
Why We Become People Pleasers
Most of us develop people-pleasing behaviors as a way to cope, and it often starts in childhood. If you grew up with trauma or had controlling or narcissistic parents, you may have learned early on that keeping others happy was the safest way to live.
These patterns can also show up later in life, especially in codependent relationships. Codependency happens when one person sacrifices their own emotional needs for someone else’s. This dynamic is often modeled after what we saw growing up. That was definitely the case for me.
I had serious abandonment issues that started when I was young. My dad was domineering, and later, my aunt, who helped raise me, was also overbearing and controlling. I learned early on to keep them happy. Because my childhood was so chaotic, controlling people actually made me feel safe and loved. That’s where my people-pleasing began.
This carried into my marriage. My partner was controlling, and I often walked on eggshells, over-explaining and apologizing just to keep the peace.
Religion also played a role. I grew up as a nice Christian girl. My kindness and my tendency to forgive too much came from trying to live up to that standard
I struggled with making friends as a kid, and I was bullied at more than one school. I didn’t know how to deal with confrontation, so instead of learning how to handle it, I often tried to avoid it.
All of these experiences shaped me into the person who was ‘too nice.’ Maybe you can relate. But realizing you’re too nice doesn’t fix things, so here’s how I finally started to change.
How I Finally Stopped Being Too Nice
Changing long-held patterns doesn’t happen overnight. When I left my marriage, I thought my life would suddenly be better. What I didn’t realize was that I would fall right back into the same patterns. I found myself drawn to similar people and repeating the same behaviors with them.
Start In Baby Steps
I began in small ways. The first thing I worked on was my endless apologizing. Every time I caught myself saying “sorry” for no reason, I stopped mid-”sorry” and corrected myself. Sometimes I replaced it with “thank you” when it made sense. Over time, I became more aware of how often I apologized unnecessarily and made a deliberate effort to break the habit. I still slip up occasionally, but now I catch it quickly and correct myself.
Pay Attention to When You People-Please
The next step for me was awareness. Start noticing what you actually say and do. Did you say yes out loud while your head was screaming no? Did you put someone else’s needs above your own again? The first step I took was simply becoming aware of it. I started asking myself: What do I want? What do I really want? What am I communicating and does it align?
Pay attention to your patterns. Who do you say yes to without thinking? Who do you avoid confronting? Where do you need better boundaries? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Start Practicing Saying No
After I noticed my patterns, I started working on changing them. The first one was saying no when I didn’t want to do something, instead of always being agreeable. Practice listening to your own voice and honoring it by saying no. You can be polite, but make yourself do it.
When you first start, you might get pushback. People may ask again or try from a different angle. Keep saying no. And no. And no. Until they know your no means no. It took me some time, but I learned to be persistent with it.
Practice Saying Exactly What You Mean
One of my biggest obstacles was that I didn’t actually communicate what I felt. I’d soften it, say it in “nice” ways, or avoid being completely honest. Sometimes I’d go into a tough conversation, only to ramble and never say what I intended. That always hurt me in the long run.
Now, when I need to have a difficult conversation, I write out what I want to say first. Then I stick to it. This helps me be clear and keeps my words from being misunderstood. Being honest was the hardest change for me, but it helped the most with breaking my people-pleasing.
Be Clear With Your Boundaries
Boundaries are like lines in the sand. They mark what you will and won’t tolerate. But setting a boundary isn’t enough if you don’t clearly communicate it. If you’re vague or leave room for confusion, people may not even realize you’ve set one.
This was something I had to learn the hard way. It’s not just about drawing the line; it’s about making sure the other person understands it. Boundaries only work if they’re clear, and you enforce them.
These changes didn’t happen overnight, but little by little, I stopped being “too nice.” And that shift has made all the difference in my mental health and my life.
How Letting Go of Being Too Nice Helped Me
Right now, I’m in the happiest and most stable place I’ve ever been. That doesn’t mean I don’t have obstacles, but learning to put myself first and listen to my own inner voice has completely changed me. I manage my bipolar disorder better because I’m less stressed, and I don’t feel as drained or overwhelmed.
Being too nice made me unstable and unhappy. Letting go of those people-pleasing patterns made me more emotionally stable, more confident, and genuinely happier.
