I went to sleep last night crying again. I was thinking about building a new business, how much I have lost, and whether I had it in me to do this again. I was angry because of my own poor choices. When I am depressed I read success stories about people who have lost it all, screwed up their lives, and come back more successful. I read an article on Inc.com about the psychological price of entrepreneurship and cried some more. Reading about hypomania in entrepreneurs renewed my spirits. The \”fake it till you make it\” mentality has driven me my whole life. The honesty in this article reassured me that my hypomania was not uncommon, or something to feel bad about. Driven people tend to be hypomanic.
Last night I dreamed about seeing a yellow Corvette. I think it was my mind telling me to not give up. I have changed so many things about myself over the last couple years. I want to scream from the mountains about change, hope, the blue energy. I want to influence people that you can change. Change and personal growth are something I am persistently working on. But, I watch all these people on Facebook trying to be an influencer, who think they are the next motivational speaker, and I think whatever… Another idiot running their mouth. What do they know? Nobody likes to be preached at. Who are you to tell me how to live my life? I generally don\’t want to hear about anyone\’s wisdom unless they are actually successful.
I woke up this morning and thought I really want to do this again. I don\’t like failure and have to remind myself regularly of my worth. I get discouraged because it took so long and so much work to build my business the first time. I started my website with a $40 computer. I had nothing. I was on food stamps, and my house went into foreclosure during this time. It was tough. My website didn\’t make any money for almost three years, so I know what I am getting into. There is no such thing as easy money and I really just don\’t want to do the work and the sacrifice again.
I took a few minutes to meditate. I meditate every day now. I cried and talked to my spirit guide. She told me some things about being an influencer. Who has influenced you? Is it the person who preaches and lectures you or the person who sets an example? I have some amazing friends in my life. But, one in particular has had a tremendous influence on me. He is not a big talker, but has made more of an influence on me than any single person in my life. Why? I watch and learn, not from lectures or pep talks, but by watching. Not once has he said do this or do that. I watch how he lives his life and it influences me to work harder, be more devoted to my kids, take control of my own life and not say I can\’t. He sets an example.
This morning I wiped the tears off my face again and said, you got this unicorn. So you want to be influencer, then stop talking. Get up, make your bed, make the coffee, write your list, and work on yourself. Be the girl in the blue dress who grabs her own hand, gets back up, and keeps plugging along. That is being an influencer.
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