Lessons You Learn from Always Being Right

This morning I did my usual meditation, but then I went for a run. Over the last few days I have thought about how many people have tried to help me with my life. I am the most obstinate and stubborn person on Earth and I am always right. Well, actually I am wrong quite a bit of the time, but ya know I am no dummy. You are. What do you know about bipolar disorder, dysfunctional families, or anything? Seriously.

So as I was running I thought about my sister who has told me many times, in one form or another — “your way doesn’t fucking work!” And I thought really hard about this. Every day I do things my way because I am determined to fix me and the only person who can really fix me is me — Right?

People give me advice a lot — books I should read, suggestions I should try. Compounding habits, routines, etc. Well I don’t even know all the suggestions people have given me. But, I always say, but you don’t have bipolar disorder. You don’t understand. I hate their way. I am supposed to get up and do something when I am manic or depressed. Don’t you understand people with bipolar disorder CAN’T not be bipolar. We can’t control the depression or mania that causes us not to do things, to spin, to run around in circles in our heads freaking out. We literally CAN’T do it your way. We have a fucked-up brain that won’t allow us to. Don’t you understand?

So after a whole lot of thinking about the fact that my way doesn’t actually work. I decided maybe they are right. I am trying to do some things differently. I can’t say for certain if their way works, but I do know my way hasn’t been working.

One of the things I am trying to do, which is kinda actually my own thing anyway, is to start my day with a list. I have been arguing with people about my own ideas here lately. Like I will get back to that list thing when I am a little less mental. No Patty, the list thing the “Coffee. Exercise. List. Goals. Routines” that’s the thing that makes you less mental.

So anyway, I am taking my friends’ advice. I went for a run today. I wrote a list. And I actually got a few things done. The getting things done made me feel a little less mental today.

He Loved Me When I was Fat and Ugly

Divorce is painful and you don’t get over someone you spent your whole life loving in a month or a year. If you don’t deal with the feelings, the baggage goes with you into your future relationships. This morning I was thinking about why I loved him so much, and why I stayed so long in an unhappy marriage. Why? Because he loved me way back, before I was the beautiful unicorn goddess I am today. He loved me when I was fat and ugly. He loved me when I was completely fucked up. I met him when I just turned 19. I had just gotten out of my fourth psychiatric unit for attempting suicide. I had cut marks and burns on my body from self harm. I had like 4 dresses to my name and would have been homeless if the state of Georgia hadn’t moved me into a low rent apartment instead of putting me out on the street.

I was a total mess and he still loved me. I look back on my life. I have told many people he never called me beautiful, and never bought me flowers. I was grateful that he stuck around. This morning all I could think was I was fat and ugly. And all these people that think I am cute and funny now would have not talked to me back in the day. You wouldn’t have liked me back then because I was a fat, ugly freak.

THIS is what I want to blog about. I was NEVER a fat, ugly, freak. I was a beautiful unicorn goddess waiting to happen. Emotional abuse wrecks your self-esteem, makes you feel like you don’t deserve love, don’t deserve to eat, don’t deserve to be happy. My eating disorder and body dysmorphia started at 18 when I decided I was fat and ugly and didn’t deserve to eat. It has stuck with me all the way to 46. I still struggle every day with how I look, what I eat, and my self-esteem.

This morning I started reading about emotional abuse and realized exactly how long I have been dealing with it. It goes way back to childhood. I moved in with my aunt and uncle at 14, when my family fell apart. I thought my aunt and uncle were an amazing family at the time, but now I realize how much emotional abuse went on in that home. I was not able to pick out my own clothes. My aunt picked them out for me. It was an extremely Christian home. I liked the boundaries there. But this morning when I was reading about emotional abuse I realized that the controlling that went on in that house was emotional abuse. And when I stopped being perfect, they kicked me out of their home.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 after I attempted suicide. My uncle told my boyfriend at the time, I don’t care if she sleeps on a park bench she’s not coming home. That was pretty much the last time I talked to them or the boyfriend. I met my ex-husband shortly after. And he loved me when I was a complete disaster or so I thought. But, a person that loves you nurtures you, builds you up, and tells you that you are beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing. You are what you think you are. I didn’t become a beautiful unicorn goddess until I believed I was one. That is my blue energy for myself for today. You are and ALWAYS were a beautiful, smart, creative, funny, passionate unicorn goddess.

Here are some of the signs of emotional abuse. This list is a partial list from womenshealth.gov

You may be experiencing emotional or verbal abuse if someone:

  • Wants to know what you’re doing all the time and wants you to be in constant contact
  • Demands passwords to things like your phone, email, and social media and shows other signs of digital abuse
    (My ex-husband took my phone from me all the time. I am still touchy about anyone handling my phone because of this.)
  • Acts very jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating (constantly)
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
    (He made me unfriend friends or stop talking to people all the time.)
  • Tries to stop you from going to work or school
    (I stopped going to Libertarian meetings)
  • Controls all your finances or how you spend your money
    (I asked permission for everything I spent, including $3 items FOR YEARS)
  • Calls you insulting names (such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” “worthless,” “whore,” or “fat”)
    (He called me fat and a freak)
  • Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
    (The night before I packed up my bags and left, he told me he was going to kill me and kill himself)
  • Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat)
    (My ex did not do this, but my aunt picked out everything I wore and controlled my eating. I believe she is responsible for my eating disorder)

I decided to blog about this because I want to influence women. When a social worker asked me if I was being abused, I said no. I had no idea that I was, in fact, being abused. Abuse isn’t just physical. If you are being emotionally abused, get help. Go see a therapist. Talk to someone. Talk to me!

What’s a hybadid?

This morning I woke up depressed. I didn’t want to get up because I was tired, exhausted. Depression is exhausting. It’s hard to tell whether or not the exhaustion causes the depression or the depression makes you exhuasted. I think it’s a little bit of both.

I can’t get out of the rat race without pushing myself. This morning I realized I am doing it all wrong again. I spend entirely too much energy on Facebook. It’s hard to be a social media consultant and not use social media. But once upon a time I figured out something — I was making iVillage a whole lot of money with my social skills. That’s when I took my show on the road and started JustMommies. iVillage used their community leaders, and gave them nothing in return. We set out to make a friendly community for moms and tried to make our message boards a place that brought women together for friendship and support.

And NOW I realized I am doing it all again. I am making Facebook money. My gift of gab, being weird, funny, cute whatever… It’s a gift. My high energy, personality, it’s not a weakness. It’s a strength.

So this morning I meditated and got some direction. A while back, I had a dream. A bunch of world leaders said I was the most likely to be a hybadid. What’s a hybadid? I didn’t know. In the dream they told me it was spiritual. I woke up googling hybadid. Guess what? It’s not a real word, but I am going to make it one. I know what it means. I am a hybadid unicorn goddess here to spread blue energy.

She told me a bunch of things today, but the main one was, you can do this baby. You gotta get ahead of the ball instead of behind the ball. You’ve done this before and you can do it again. Let the haters hate. Plug along with your weird-ass energy and build your business. One day you will be driving that yellow corvette and people will be asking you how you did it.

Believe in yourself even when your haters think you are crazy.

Yes girlie, you can cut it! Imaginary boot camp here we go!

This morning I was talking to the “girl in the blue dress” who has not been wearing a blue dress lately. She was wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt again. Today she had an obstacle course in front of me and a whistle. She was my little drill seargent and she told me she was going to train me.

Before I go into this, I have decided that I shall refer to her from here forward as my imaginary friend. Kinda tired of people thinking I talk to demons. I have a great imagination, love fiction, fantasy, imagery, and creative coping skills. The girl in the blue dress and meditation is one of my coping skills.

So I started thinking, ya know, I never joined the military. Why? I have known I was an emotional train-wreck bipolar girl for quite some time. I did not think I could cut it! My sis, my son, my dad, my mom, all of them enlisted and made it through boot camp. I was like nope. There is no way I can do this! I remember my sister crying and I don’t really know how the military works, but they called my dad and he told them don’t let her go home. Today I was thinking maybe if I didn’t think I was a loser who couldn’t cut it, I’d have had some of that training and experience she and many of my friends have.

I don’t want this to sound like I think everyone needs to join the military, but in my life I have held myself back time and time again because of my bipolar emotions. Today my “imaginary friend” said you can do this girl. I have no idea what happens at boot camp, but she’s about to make me work!

I am on a mission to grow my website business, my blogs, and drive that yellow Corvette I keep talking about. Y’all may not get this but she said, “Yes girlie, you can cut it!”

There is Value in the Struggle

Last night as I was washing dishes at my job, I thought how the hell did my life go so far to shit that I am washing dishes for a living. Sorry, this isn’t me being negative. This is fuel for my fire. I have forgotten the days of scraping quarters from my couch to pay for gas, using baby powder for deodorant because that’s literally all I had, or using old towels for diapers because I had none. Some of you guys know what it’s like to struggle and some people have never really struggled.

As I was doing the dishes last night at work, I remembered every little thing about starting JustMommies. I also remembered the last 10 years of being complacent and comfortable. Settling for coasting and staying in a crappy marriage because it was nice and easy. I knew when I left that being a single mom was going to be tough, but I didn’t really get how hard it would be. On top of that, trying to lauch a business the first time around, as a stay at home mom was a piece of cake in comparison.

But what I have learned from struggling is that it fuels you in a way that having things handed to you doesn’t. I am more motivated today than I have been in years. I regret wasting my life not reading, learning, or growing.

Embrace the Struggle

I recently told a friend that I was grateful that things were not handed to me in life. I didn’t have my mommy and daddy paying for my car, car insurance, my college. I didn’t even have a car. I walked! I have been on my own since I was 18. Met my ex-husband when I was living in a one room (not one bedroom apartment). I had 4 or 5 sundresses to my name and a tiny black and white TV someone gave me. It got three channels. I am grateful for this experience. I wouldn’t be who I am without the struggle.

So as I was doing dishes I remebered all this. According to research, some of the most successful people are the ones who struggled the most. I am setting to work on my goals and embracing the struggle. See ya at the top.

Keeping Keeping On

Talking to my spirit guide again. I want to write a book one day. Not just about my life, but about fighting the good fight. I asked her today how I was going to get from here to there and how I could inspire anyone. I’m just a regular girl. Ya know. I used to have some pride in what I’ve accomplished, but now I’m working at a low-skill job, working crazy hours. I barely have time to write, exercise, or work on my goals.

What got me out of poverty the first time? It wasn’t magic. It was hard work. At the moment I feel like I’m working hard and getting nowhere. Today she told me to write another post about the keeping of keeping on.

I love you guys that keep me going. One day I’m going to write a book about perseverance, magical blue energy, yellow Corvettes and keeping keeping on.

Today I’m taking care of me.

Screw your Compounding Habits

This post goes out to my sister and friend who said you know what you need to do, now do it.

More than one of my friends have referred me to books about compounding habits. I actually like the books and the concept, although the author of Compounding Habits has his shit together so much that I can’t possibly relate with him. I do know what to do and how to do it because I’ve done it before.

Over the years I have read quite a few books on being successful, time management, and finding happiness. I’m a goals girl, not a habits girl. I try to incorporate advice I find useful into my life and ignore the rest.

My sister was talking to me about a book she is reading, Atomic Habits. It sounds really similar to Compounding Habits. The concept is that you make small changes to your routines and over time those changes compound. Well duh. If I could do that, I’d be awesome.

Every book I read is about creating order or routines. Now I think everyone knows I do value routines. My routine used to start with a Facebook post ending in, “Coffee. List. Goals. Routines.” However, these authors talking about habits is crazy talk to me.

Clean your room. If you clean your room, you will remove chaos from your life and therefore be happier. You’ve got it all backwards. If I was happier, I’d clean my room. 😁

Every book I read does not address my need for happiness in order for me to be productive. Of course I know what I need to do. It’s the doing it that’s difficult. When I am depressed getting out of bed is about the only thing I’m capable of.

Where am I going with this? I can’t do habits. If I could, my room would stay clean for longer than a week. But what I can do and do well at is making goals. Why do I like them better? Because I don’t have to stick with them. I have always operated on small goals that I can achieve and I’m getting back to that. This week’s goal is 5 blog posts. And next week I’ll make a new goal. This is exactly how I built my business the last time. I know how to do this.

You do what works for you. Imma do me. 💙

Go ahead and tell me I’m missing the point. I’m not. Every person who successfully lost weight or quit smoking has done it differently. You have to do what works for you.

Badass Goal Goddess

Play a game you can win

I recently read a blog post on giving up. I found it very interesting. We are so conditioned to the concept of never giving up and that giving up means losing. I’m a very persistent and passionate person. When I want something I go after it and I don’t stop till I get it. I’m not a happy loser and hate being defeated. Sometimes giving up is exactly the right thing to do. Sometimes the thing you are trying to beat is just not your game.

Anyone who knows me knows I am very transparent. I am not good at filtering and can’t hide my emotions. I suck at poker. I go all in and everyone knows what cards I’m holding. I never win because bluffing is not something I’m good at. Today me and the girl in the blue dress talked again.

I have this blue forcefield I use. I put it around me to keep me safe. Unfortunately that forcefield is thin. A tiny little pin prick bursts it and I’m defenseless. Today her and I talked about playing games you can win and ones you can improve on. I don’t have a magical forcefield to keep me from losing. But what I do have is strengths and things I’m good at.

There are games I play well. Ones that don’t require bluffing. One of them is ping pong. Maybe this is a lame example, but this is the one she gave me. My ex-husband and friends used to play it a lot. I could beat every girl and plenty of the guys. It was something I could practice and improve on. I used to go down to my basement and practice serving by myself. I’d go chase the ball and serve it again and again and again till I got good at it.

My spirit guide told me this morning to stop playing games I don’t like and I can’t win, and to practice the ones I enjoy and can improve on. You can’t win every game.

#blueenergy

Jaded

I googled jaded. I always understood it to mean cynical, but that’s not really what it means. It means lacking the ability to be enthusiastic.

This morning I was meditating and my spirit guide gave me some wisdom. She reminded me of my son Jeremy. Before I had Jeremy I had 3 pregnancy losses. The first time I got pregnant I was young and naive. I didn’t expect anything to go wrong. I still remember the way I felt when I miscarried. The second time I was cautiously optimistic. The third time I got pregnant I thought this can’t possibly go wrong. What are the odds.

The fourth time I got pregnant with my son Jeremy, I didn’t get excited. I wasn’t hopeful. In fact, I was certain he was going to be another miscarriage. I had heavy bleeding during the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy. I had no reason to expect that his pregnancy would go better than the ones before. I was jaded. It’s a feeling a little different than hopelessness. I wasn’t enthusiastic or excited. Those days of blissful excitement were over.

What I learned from this experience was that I loved my son in a more appreciative way when I had him. I was grateful and treasured him. I went into his pregnancy with no enthusiasm, no expectations of a happy ending, and when he was born I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

Why am I sharing this? The universe told me there is joyfulness that comes after being jaded. Maybe you don’t go into things with the woosh of your heart, maybe your expectations are exceedingly low, maybe you can’t be excited anymore, maybe the universe is preparing you… For something amazing.

This was written for me.

Why I’m Better than a Porn Star

You can thank my sister for the interesting title. I really wanted my first post to be something different, but she insisted on this one and since she paid for the blog I’m going with it.

As you can imagine, the reason for the title was due to a conversation with the sis. I informed her that according to a friend, you can make 36k on pornhub. And maybe y’all think I’m conceited, but I’m pretty sure I could get 36k worth of views. Needless to say, my sister was not impressed and gave me the sis talk. So ok here I am sis. Why I’m better than a porn star. This is probably not going to be written the way you anticipated. Actually you know me pretty well so…

#1 I can turn you on without taking my clothes off

I bet you weren’t expecting that one sis. So yeh there is something to be said for pornography. I’m not a judger, but I also believe there is more to attraction than a naked body. Intelligence, substance, confidence, and integrity are more attractive than naked boobs. Go ahead and argue with me Facebook friends.

#2 I’m 100 percent real

No fake boobs, no fake orgasms. What you see is what you get. I’m a passionate, open person and comfortable with myself, flaws and all.

#3 I have more skills than a porn star

I’m not one to judge. I will say maybe it takes a little skill to be a porn star, but I don’t think so. I can make websites, do graphic design, write, create a business. And you know, fight aliens. Beat that one. 😁

That’s all I’ve got sis.

Badass alien fighter signing out. More tomorrow. Tomorrow’s post will be better. I had a rough morning fighting aliens with coffee. They hate when you drink coffee. 💙