This morning I did my usual meditation, but then I went for a run. Over the last few days I have thought about how many people have tried to help me with my life. I am the most obstinate and stubborn person on Earth and I am always right. Well, actually I am wrong quite a bit of the time, but ya know I am no dummy. You are. What do you know about bipolar disorder, dysfunctional families, or anything? Seriously.
So as I was running I thought about my sister who has told me many times, in one form or another — “your way doesn’t fucking work!” And I thought really hard about this. Every day I do things my way because I am determined to fix me and the only person who can really fix me is me — Right?
People give me advice a lot — books I should read, suggestions I should try. Compounding habits, routines, etc. Well I don’t even know all the suggestions people have given me. But, I always say, but you don’t have bipolar disorder. You don’t understand. I hate their way. I am supposed to get up and do something when I am manic or depressed. Don’t you understand people with bipolar disorder CAN’T not be bipolar. We can’t control the depression or mania that causes us not to do things, to spin, to run around in circles in our heads freaking out. We literally CAN’T do it your way. We have a fucked-up brain that won’t allow us to. Don’t you understand?
So after a whole lot of thinking about the fact that my way doesn’t actually work. I decided maybe they are right. I am trying to do some things differently. I can’t say for certain if their way works, but I do know my way hasn’t been working.
One of the things I am trying to do, which is kinda actually my own thing anyway, is to start my day with a list. I have been arguing with people about my own ideas here lately. Like I will get back to that list thing when I am a little less mental. No Patty, the list thing the “Coffee. Exercise. List. Goals. Routines” that’s the thing that makes you less mental.
So anyway, I am taking my friends’ advice. I went for a run today. I wrote a list. And I actually got a few things done. The getting things done made me feel a little less mental today.