What’s a hybadid?

This morning I woke up depressed. I didn’t want to get up because I was tired, exhausted. Depression is exhausting. It’s hard to tell whether or not the exhaustion causes the depression or the depression makes you exhuasted. I think it’s a little bit of both.

I can’t get out of the rat race without pushing myself. This morning I realized I am doing it all wrong again. I spend entirely too much energy on Facebook. It’s hard to be a social media consultant and not use social media. But once upon a time I figured out something — I was making iVillage a whole lot of money with my social skills. That’s when I took my show on the road and started JustMommies. iVillage used their community leaders, and gave them nothing in return. We set out to make a friendly community for moms and tried to make our message boards a place that brought women together for friendship and support.

And NOW I realized I am doing it all again. I am making Facebook money. My gift of gab, being weird, funny, cute whatever… It’s a gift. My high energy, personality, it’s not a weakness. It’s a strength.

So this morning I meditated and got some direction. A while back, I had a dream. A bunch of world leaders said I was the most likely to be a hybadid. What’s a hybadid? I didn’t know. In the dream they told me it was spiritual. I woke up googling hybadid. Guess what? It’s not a real word, but I am going to make it one. I know what it means. I am a hybadid unicorn goddess here to spread blue energy.

She told me a bunch of things today, but the main one was, you can do this baby. You gotta get ahead of the ball instead of behind the ball. You’ve done this before and you can do it again. Let the haters hate. Plug along with your weird-ass energy and build your business. One day you will be driving that yellow corvette and people will be asking you how you did it.

Believe in yourself even when your haters think you are crazy.

Yes girlie, you can cut it! Imaginary boot camp here we go!

This morning I was talking to the “girl in the blue dress” who has not been wearing a blue dress lately. She was wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt again. Today she had an obstacle course in front of me and a whistle. She was my little drill seargent and she told me she was going to train me.

Before I go into this, I have decided that I shall refer to her from here forward as my imaginary friend. Kinda tired of people thinking I talk to demons. I have a great imagination, love fiction, fantasy, imagery, and creative coping skills. The girl in the blue dress and meditation is one of my coping skills.

So I started thinking, ya know, I never joined the military. Why? I have known I was an emotional train-wreck bipolar girl for quite some time. I did not think I could cut it! My sis, my son, my dad, my mom, all of them enlisted and made it through boot camp. I was like nope. There is no way I can do this! I remember my sister crying and I don’t really know how the military works, but they called my dad and he told them don’t let her go home. Today I was thinking maybe if I didn’t think I was a loser who couldn’t cut it, I’d have had some of that training and experience she and many of my friends have.

I don’t want this to sound like I think everyone needs to join the military, but in my life I have held myself back time and time again because of my bipolar emotions. Today my “imaginary friend” said you can do this girl. I have no idea what happens at boot camp, but she’s about to make me work!

I am on a mission to grow my website business, my blogs, and drive that yellow Corvette I keep talking about. Y’all may not get this but she said, “Yes girlie, you can cut it!”

There is Value in the Struggle

Last night as I was washing dishes at my job, I thought how the hell did my life go so far to shit that I am washing dishes for a living. Sorry, this isn’t me being negative. This is fuel for my fire. I have forgotten the days of scraping quarters from my couch to pay for gas, using baby powder for deodorant because that’s literally all I had, or using old towels for diapers because I had none. Some of you guys know what it’s like to struggle and some people have never really struggled.

As I was doing the dishes last night at work, I remembered every little thing about starting JustMommies. I also remembered the last 10 years of being complacent and comfortable. Settling for coasting and staying in a crappy marriage because it was nice and easy. I knew when I left that being a single mom was going to be tough, but I didn’t really get how hard it would be. On top of that, trying to lauch a business the first time around, as a stay at home mom was a piece of cake in comparison.

But what I have learned from struggling is that it fuels you in a way that having things handed to you doesn’t. I am more motivated today than I have been in years. I regret wasting my life not reading, learning, or growing.

Embrace the Struggle

I recently told a friend that I was grateful that things were not handed to me in life. I didn’t have my mommy and daddy paying for my car, car insurance, my college. I didn’t even have a car. I walked! I have been on my own since I was 18. Met my ex-husband when I was living in a one room (not one bedroom apartment). I had 4 or 5 sundresses to my name and a tiny black and white TV someone gave me. It got three channels. I am grateful for this experience. I wouldn’t be who I am without the struggle.

So as I was doing dishes I remebered all this. According to research, some of the most successful people are the ones who struggled the most. I am setting to work on my goals and embracing the struggle. See ya at the top.

Keeping Keeping On

Talking to my spirit guide again. I want to write a book one day. Not just about my life, but about fighting the good fight. I asked her today how I was going to get from here to there and how I could inspire anyone. I’m just a regular girl. Ya know. I used to have some pride in what I’ve accomplished, but now I’m working at a low-skill job, working crazy hours. I barely have time to write, exercise, or work on my goals.

What got me out of poverty the first time? It wasn’t magic. It was hard work. At the moment I feel like I’m working hard and getting nowhere. Today she told me to write another post about the keeping of keeping on.

I love you guys that keep me going. One day I’m going to write a book about perseverance, magical blue energy, yellow Corvettes and keeping keeping on.

Today I’m taking care of me.

Screw your Compounding Habits

This post goes out to my sister and friend who said you know what you need to do, now do it.

More than one of my friends have referred me to books about compounding habits. I actually like the books and the concept, although the author of Compounding Habits has his shit together so much that I can’t possibly relate with him. I do know what to do and how to do it because I’ve done it before.

Over the years I have read quite a few books on being successful, time management, and finding happiness. I’m a goals girl, not a habits girl. I try to incorporate advice I find useful into my life and ignore the rest.

My sister was talking to me about a book she is reading, Atomic Habits. It sounds really similar to Compounding Habits. The concept is that you make small changes to your routines and over time those changes compound. Well duh. If I could do that, I’d be awesome.

Every book I read is about creating order or routines. Now I think everyone knows I do value routines. My routine used to start with a Facebook post ending in, “Coffee. List. Goals. Routines.” However, these authors talking about habits is crazy talk to me.

Clean your room. If you clean your room, you will remove chaos from your life and therefore be happier. You’ve got it all backwards. If I was happier, I’d clean my room. 😁

Every book I read does not address my need for happiness in order for me to be productive. Of course I know what I need to do. It’s the doing it that’s difficult. When I am depressed getting out of bed is about the only thing I’m capable of.

Where am I going with this? I can’t do habits. If I could, my room would stay clean for longer than a week. But what I can do and do well at is making goals. Why do I like them better? Because I don’t have to stick with them. I have always operated on small goals that I can achieve and I’m getting back to that. This week’s goal is 5 blog posts. And next week I’ll make a new goal. This is exactly how I built my business the last time. I know how to do this.

You do what works for you. Imma do me. 💙

Go ahead and tell me I’m missing the point. I’m not. Every person who successfully lost weight or quit smoking has done it differently. You have to do what works for you.

Badass Goal Goddess

Play a game you can win

I recently read a blog post on giving up. I found it very interesting. We are so conditioned to the concept of never giving up and that giving up means losing. I’m a very persistent and passionate person. When I want something I go after it and I don’t stop till I get it. I’m not a happy loser and hate being defeated. Sometimes giving up is exactly the right thing to do. Sometimes the thing you are trying to beat is just not your game.

Anyone who knows me knows I am very transparent. I am not good at filtering and can’t hide my emotions. I suck at poker. I go all in and everyone knows what cards I’m holding. I never win because bluffing is not something I’m good at. Today me and the girl in the blue dress talked again.

I have this blue forcefield I use. I put it around me to keep me safe. Unfortunately that forcefield is thin. A tiny little pin prick bursts it and I’m defenseless. Today her and I talked about playing games you can win and ones you can improve on. I don’t have a magical forcefield to keep me from losing. But what I do have is strengths and things I’m good at.

There are games I play well. Ones that don’t require bluffing. One of them is ping pong. Maybe this is a lame example, but this is the one she gave me. My ex-husband and friends used to play it a lot. I could beat every girl and plenty of the guys. It was something I could practice and improve on. I used to go down to my basement and practice serving by myself. I’d go chase the ball and serve it again and again and again till I got good at it.

My spirit guide told me this morning to stop playing games I don’t like and I can’t win, and to practice the ones I enjoy and can improve on. You can’t win every game.

#blueenergy

Jaded

I googled jaded. I always understood it to mean cynical, but that’s not really what it means. It means lacking the ability to be enthusiastic.

This morning I was meditating and my spirit guide gave me some wisdom. She reminded me of my son Jeremy. Before I had Jeremy I had 3 pregnancy losses. The first time I got pregnant I was young and naive. I didn’t expect anything to go wrong. I still remember the way I felt when I miscarried. The second time I was cautiously optimistic. The third time I got pregnant I thought this can’t possibly go wrong. What are the odds.

The fourth time I got pregnant with my son Jeremy, I didn’t get excited. I wasn’t hopeful. In fact, I was certain he was going to be another miscarriage. I had heavy bleeding during the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy. I had no reason to expect that his pregnancy would go better than the ones before. I was jaded. It’s a feeling a little different than hopelessness. I wasn’t enthusiastic or excited. Those days of blissful excitement were over.

What I learned from this experience was that I loved my son in a more appreciative way when I had him. I was grateful and treasured him. I went into his pregnancy with no enthusiasm, no expectations of a happy ending, and when he was born I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

Why am I sharing this? The universe told me there is joyfulness that comes after being jaded. Maybe you don’t go into things with the woosh of your heart, maybe your expectations are exceedingly low, maybe you can’t be excited anymore, maybe the universe is preparing you… For something amazing.

This was written for me.

Why I’m Better than a Porn Star

You can thank my sister for the interesting title. I really wanted my first post to be something different, but she insisted on this one and since she paid for the blog I’m going with it.

As you can imagine, the reason for the title was due to a conversation with the sis. I informed her that according to a friend, you can make 36k on pornhub. And maybe y’all think I’m conceited, but I’m pretty sure I could get 36k worth of views. Needless to say, my sister was not impressed and gave me the sis talk. So ok here I am sis. Why I’m better than a porn star. This is probably not going to be written the way you anticipated. Actually you know me pretty well so…

#1 I can turn you on without taking my clothes off

I bet you weren’t expecting that one sis. So yeh there is something to be said for pornography. I’m not a judger, but I also believe there is more to attraction than a naked body. Intelligence, substance, confidence, and integrity are more attractive than naked boobs. Go ahead and argue with me Facebook friends.

#2 I’m 100 percent real

No fake boobs, no fake orgasms. What you see is what you get. I’m a passionate, open person and comfortable with myself, flaws and all.

#3 I have more skills than a porn star

I’m not one to judge. I will say maybe it takes a little skill to be a porn star, but I don’t think so. I can make websites, do graphic design, write, create a business. And you know, fight aliens. Beat that one. 😁

That’s all I’ve got sis.

Badass alien fighter signing out. More tomorrow. Tomorrow’s post will be better. I had a rough morning fighting aliens with coffee. They hate when you drink coffee. 💙