Love from the Eyes of the Frog Prince

The last few days I haven’t had any profound meditations. Every day I seek wisdom and guidance in the form of meditation. I am going to write another post about my meditation and use of creative imagery. I have had some people tell me that this is something I shouldn’t do. But, I have prayed about and read scripture. There is nothing in the Bible that says you can’t have an imagination.

Today I went to my sanctuary. Inside my sanctuary, there was a bed. My spirit guide has been telling me the importance of rest. It renews your mind, your body, and your spirit. For the last few days, all I have seen were frogs hopping around my sanctuary. I have been trying to clean my sanctuary of all the frogs so I can have peace.

Well, not surprisingly, in my bed was a frog. I talked to my spirit guide about how this frog wasn’t going to just magically turn into a prince. And then I started thinking about ways to get the frog to hop out of my bed. But, the frog loves me and keeps coming back.

When I was done meditating, I read the story of the frog prince and I cried. You see, it’s hard to see love from the eyes of the frog when you’re the princess. When you’re the princess, you’re looking for a prince. But what the frog has is peace, happiness, and contentment with his circumstances. Yes, he is happy just being a frog. Even though he knows he is a prince.

Today I read this poem and realized exactly how fortunate I am to have a frog in my bed.

I want to give credit for this image. I am not sure who created it. Image source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/251990541621788446/

Always Taken Care of

Yesterday I had this thought. I have never been one of those girls that were taken care of. What I mean is, I have never been a stay-at-home mom that just had some guy taking care of me. I long for childhood sometimes because I really hate adulting. Sometimes I just want someone to do all the adulting for me so I don’t have to deal with the stress.

This morning I woke up to some blue energy. The life of an entrepreneur means not having a steady consistent income, especially in the beginning. Even though I have done this before and know what I am up against, it doesn’t make it any easier. I have said before in one of my interviews that it takes a lot of faith to deal with the highs and lows of being an entrepreneur, I genuinely mean this. Having faith is easy when everything is going your way. But, when you don’t know how you’re going to pay your next bill or keep your business going for another month, it is really hard to have faith. This is why James said, “the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” It’s one of my favorite Bible verses. I think it’s no coincidence that I memorized the book of James as a teenager. It’s stuck with me.

So this morning, my meditation didn’t bring me a lot. I didn’t have some remarkable vision or metaphor or story to share. But, what I did realize today was that I AM taking care of. I am always taken care of. I am the child and have a father that always takes care of me. This morning I woke up to some much-needed “blue energy”, aka financial resources to keep my business going. Whenever I worry about money, he always provides for me. I have to remind myself regularly to ask for this “give us this day our daily bread”. Maybe I am not rolling in the dough, and maybe I don’t have all my spiritual life figured out. But, I do know this. Ask and it will be answered. Seek and you will find. Doing my best to share the blue energy with others.

Studying the aliens (AKA depression/mood tracker)

Sigh, debating on how much I care about search engine optimization. As an SEO consultant, and blogger, writing stuff that gets found in Google means traffic to your blog. As a creative free spirit, and genuine blogger, writing what I want to say is more important. My goal for this blog is to blog every day. I want to write “articles” but I also want to have an online journal that I write on every day. It’s a goal. I missed yesterday because I had nothing to say. I wasn’t inspired, meditation didn’t give me much, but today I got a lot out of meditation.

I woke up with morning depression. I have this happen all the time and it’s something I have been trying to learn how to deal with. Sometimes the depression goes away by mid-day, but sometimes it lingers for days. I always refer to this as aliens visiting. Last week I meditated about having “coffee with the aliens’. Apparently, I didn’t blog about it, but what I mean by that is learning how to have company with the aliens but not let them take over your life. Let them visit, but don’t let them wreak havoc. Basically, learning to accept depression as part of your life and stop fighting with it. Let it come and let it go.

Well this morning, I woke up with another headache and morning depression. My headaches and moods seem to go together. When I meditated I told my spirit guide, I need a teacher. I don’t have anyone to help me. I have lots of mentors but none with bipolar disorder. I saw myself in a classroom and my spirit guide was teaching the class. She told me to start taking notes.

Then I saw the classroom filled with aliens, all sitting at their desks. I thought, “I don’t want to kill them.” I found this peace with them — like I don’t want to kill you. You’re visiting for a reason. She told me to start studying them. I have been journaling regularly. I have tried to destroy the aliens, fight the aliens. I have tried all kinds of strategies, but they always come back. And with my bipolar, there’s a little bit of a pattern to it. I always know when their coming. Usually, when I have been “happy” for too long. It’s a cycle -up, down, up, down. Us bipolar people like to stay manic to avoid visits from the aliens. But it doesn’t work.

So today she told me to start an alien tracker. And that’s what I’ve done. I am going to start documenting as many things as I can to see if I can figure out some patterns. What makes the aliens come out and play. Can I see a visual pattern? Is there anything I can do to change the cycles?

My depression cycles have disrupted my life for so long. I am not trying to beat it. I am trying to study it and learn from it. I don’t think we have studied the dynamics of depression enough. It’s more than just taking a pill. There has to be some scientific explanations for this. Anyway, I am logging my aliens. I will report back later with my findings.

Having compassion for the skeleton on the room

I didn’t have a particularly insightful meditation today, but I did listen to a book about letting go of anger from a Buddhist perspective. I have been very interested in reading about Buddhism and its practice of meditation. I am not so much interested in it as a religion, but more of a practice. I like their belief in non-violence and compassion.

I have been an angry person for most of my life. I am always angry and resentful. Feeling mad when other people are lazy and unmotivated. When other people don’t care about personal growth or doing anything about their circumstances. I have spent half my life pushing ropes. Trying to force people along on my three-legged race that they never asked to be a part of in the first place. I get angry when someone doesn’t want to change and I want them to.

Today I meditated about the skeleton in the room. That’s how I feel about apathetic, unmotivated, uncaring, and lazy people – like they are just dead inside. Like they are a rock that is incapable of growing.

I get angry and frustrated that they won’t just “come to life”. It frustrates me. I think you are unchangeable, like a rock. You can’t grow. But, I realized the skeleton in the room, has no reason to get out of bed, nothing to really look forward to, nothing they are particularly excited about. They’re just there. Instead of being angry, I had compassion. How sad it is to not have any goal you want to work on or anything you are excited about accomplishing. It really helped me change my attitude from one of disgust to one of compassion.

I am grateful to be alive, to be motivated, to have things I look forward to. To be alive! Today I am having compassion for the skeleton in the room.

Untangling the Shit Ball of Yarn You Created

This morning I woke up and thought, “I don’t have time for my routines.” I looked outside and it literally felt like the aliens were attacking. It was a perfect excuse for not taking a walk. I didn’t really have time for it this morning anyway. But, I was nudged to keep going. The disorder in my life has been ongoing. I don’t have good habits. I bite off more than I can chew. Then I mad scramble to get it done, meanwhile I don’t have time for anything else. No time to “unwind” and no time for working on things that are important to me — like having a clean house, spending time with my loved ones, etc.

This morning when I meditated I looked at my desk and there was this tangled up shit ball of yarn. I told my spirit guide I wanted to throw it in the trash. That’s how I deal with shit. Throw it out and buy a new one. She told me this is the only ball of yarn you’ve been given Patty. Sit down and start untangling it. Getting it untangled is going to be a lot of work and it’s going to be messy, but once it’s done you will have a ball of yarn you can actually work with and create something with.

What I got from this was this is that I am never going to have another life. This is it. I can start working on unraveling the mess and disorder, or I can continue being stressed out in knots and not being able to create anything beautiful with my ball of yarn. So today, I took my walk, did my morning routine consistently for the 24th day in a row. Slowly putting order into my life. And slowly unraveling the tangled up shit ball of yarn I have to work with.

Flunk the F Students and Work with the As

This morning I woke up with a headache and tons of tension in my neck and shoulder. My house is super clean as I have been working on my habits, but doing habits consistently means not having time to play catch up. I am trying to stop the letting things build up and mad catching-up cycles in my life. So, no matter what I am sticking with the habits and routines I have created and getting a good night’s sleep every night.

Still, when I meditated I was back to sitting at this desk with more papers than I knew what to do with. Yesterday, I got some insight on how to deal with the boring aspect of my work. ADHD people don’t like doing the mundane, monotonous boring stuff you have to do in life… So we procrastinate, do something we want to do instead, meanwhile the stuff piles up. Then stress and tension hits in!

So today I was at the desk again, with this ginormous stack of papers. I told my spirit guide, even if I make this less boring, and work faster, there are still just way too many papers for me to handle. That’s when I got it. My meditations are always visual and metaphors. She told me to start going through the papers one by one, grading them, and throw the F’s in the trash.

It occurred to me that this is much like parenting, and other things in our lives. The whiny, demanding, attention needy brat gets all your attention because they won’t shut the hell up. Meanwhile, the A student kid who gets up early does her chores and doesn’t cause problems gets neglected. My spirit guide told me to start flunking the F students and move them out of my class.

Start working with the A students who are motivated, patient, nice, don’t whine, and annoy you until you cave and do what they want. Stop working with the Fs and start working with the people you like, that value your time and your talents.

So with that, I have started marking my to-do list with who I consider my “A students”. The people I actually like working with and want to keep as clients. And flunking the Fs. They are slowly going to be weeded out of my classroom as I work on creating my own elite school of All-Star, motivated, passionate, hard-working and positive people.

My Big Ass Journal of Totally Boring Things

Yesterday, I decided I was making this blog a priority. This is my favorite blog, one I write for me. My main purpose is to blog about things that are important to me and help me.

This morning I meditated. I don’t meditate like other people. I have a virtual spirit guide. She was formed in my imagination many years ago and has changed to fit my needs. I read a book recently by a guy named Tony Blankenship. He talks about meditation. One of the things his book talked about was visualizing God (or your divine spirit, higher power, whatever you want to call “him”) as exactly what you need. So I took this concept and applied it to my meditation. My spirit guide is organized, smart, and has her shit together. She always knows what to do.

Today, I decided I wanted to meditate specifically about boredom. See, I have meditated countless times about how to get better at life. I am constantly visualizing all the work I need to do and asking her and God, how am I supposed to do it all. I’ve told her, hey I need to get faster faster. Yesterday, she gave me some ideas on how to do that.

Today, I asked her how to stay focused when I have all these boring things to do that I hate doing and that keep me from doing the things I actually want to do and like doing. I imagined myself sitting at a desk with a stack full of boring white paper. I had the task of moving the boring huge ass stack of paper from one side of the desk to the other. I told her, “I hate this. This is so boring!” So, she started drawing little pictures on each piece of paper. Have you ever flipped through an animated flipbook? Well, that’s what she did with my papers. All of a sudden, I was getting something fun out of my boring stack of papers.

I said, well I can’t draw. Do you have another idea? That’s when she reminded me how much I like stickers and making my to-do lists fun and colorful. So today, I have started what I call My Big Ass Journal of Boring Things. It’s sort of like an accomplishment journal. But, I am only including the boring-ass things I have to do each day in it. I intend to make it cute, fun, and funny. This way I am getting a little joy and happiness from my boring tasks.

If you have ADHD like I do, you might find boring stuff hard to do. I like practical coping skills and being creative. This is my new coping skill for dealing with the boring things I have to do and I hope I can make it fun. I’ll update this post as I add stuff to it.

Boring Journal page 1

How to Get Faster Faster

I blog a lot but haven’t written anything here in forever. My new goal is to blog on Girl with Blue Energy every day. One of the things I have been working on in my personal life is habits. I have started 7 habits over the last three weeks. I started with 3, and have slowly added a few more. One of my habits is to write one blog post a day. Generally, these blog posts are for clients. I write a lot for Badass Web Goddess. Writing is part of my SEO business. However, because of how much writing I do for other people, I barely have any time for my own personal blogs. I am changing that.

One of the things I have been meditating about is how to get faster, faster. I keep working on my habits, but sometimes writing a client’s blog post takes me hours. With a goal to write one a day, and having tons more that I need to write, I have been frustrated. I keep working on writing consistently in hopes that I will get faster. I know practice makes perfect, but I want to get faster faster!!

Today, I did my emotional check-in, meditating, and talked with my spirit guide. She gave me some insight I hadn’t thought about. She reminded me of how much faster I used to run when I ran with my son. He runs fast and would always pace me faster than I liked to run. Now, I don’t have a running partner for writing, not yet anyway. But, I still got something from my meditation.

I can’t write fast for all my clients. Some of them are nitpicky and want really high-quality writing. You kinda have to take your time with that. But, I can practice my writing speed here on the Girl with Blue Energy. This is my personal blog. It’s about my meditation and ME! While I do write some content to be informative, some of it’s just for me.

I am adding a new habit to my list of habits, work on my writing speed. Do writing speed drills. Don’t worry about the posts, being perfect. Just write fast and publish one post a day on Girl with Blue Energy. Perhaps this will diminish the quality of my writing, but what I am hoping for is that I get faster and better at writing. And that ultimately this will be my most successful blog.

How can you use this in your own life? Is there anything you are trying to improve your efficiency with? Try doing speed drills. Time yourself and do it as fast as you can.

Lessons You Learn from Always Being Right

This morning I did my usual meditation, but then I went for a run. Over the last few days I have thought about how many people have tried to help me with my life. I am the most obstinate and stubborn person on Earth and I am always right. Well, actually I am wrong quite a bit of the time, but ya know I am no dummy. You are. What do you know about bipolar disorder, dysfunctional families, or anything? Seriously.

So as I was running I thought about my sister who has told me many times, in one form or another — “your way doesn’t fucking work!” And I thought really hard about this. Every day I do things my way because I am determined to fix me and the only person who can really fix me is me — Right?

People give me advice a lot — books I should read, suggestions I should try. Compounding habits, routines, etc. Well I don’t even know all the suggestions people have given me. But, I always say, but you don’t have bipolar disorder. You don’t understand. I hate their way. I am supposed to get up and do something when I am manic or depressed. Don’t you understand people with bipolar disorder CAN’T not be bipolar. We can’t control the depression or mania that causes us not to do things, to spin, to run around in circles in our heads freaking out. We literally CAN’T do it your way. We have a fucked-up brain that won’t allow us to. Don’t you understand?

So after a whole lot of thinking about the fact that my way doesn’t actually work. I decided maybe they are right. I am trying to do some things differently. I can’t say for certain if their way works, but I do know my way hasn’t been working.

One of the things I am trying to do, which is kinda actually my own thing anyway, is to start my day with a list. I have been arguing with people about my own ideas here lately. Like I will get back to that list thing when I am a little less mental. No Patty, the list thing the “Coffee. Exercise. List. Goals. Routines” that’s the thing that makes you less mental.

So anyway, I am taking my friends’ advice. I went for a run today. I wrote a list. And I actually got a few things done. The getting things done made me feel a little less mental today.

He Loved Me When I was Fat and Ugly

Divorce is painful and you don’t get over someone you spent your whole life loving in a month or a year. If you don’t deal with the feelings, the baggage goes with you into your future relationships. This morning I was thinking about why I loved him so much, and why I stayed so long in an unhappy marriage. Why? Because he loved me way back, before I was the beautiful unicorn goddess I am today. He loved me when I was fat and ugly. He loved me when I was completely fucked up. I met him when I just turned 19. I had just gotten out of my fourth psychiatric unit for attempting suicide. I had cut marks and burns on my body from self harm. I had like 4 dresses to my name and would have been homeless if the state of Georgia hadn’t moved me into a low rent apartment instead of putting me out on the street.

I was a total mess and he still loved me. I look back on my life. I have told many people he never called me beautiful, and never bought me flowers. I was grateful that he stuck around. This morning all I could think was I was fat and ugly. And all these people that think I am cute and funny now would have not talked to me back in the day. You wouldn’t have liked me back then because I was a fat, ugly freak.

THIS is what I want to blog about. I was NEVER a fat, ugly, freak. I was a beautiful unicorn goddess waiting to happen. Emotional abuse wrecks your self-esteem, makes you feel like you don’t deserve love, don’t deserve to eat, don’t deserve to be happy. My eating disorder and body dysmorphia started at 18 when I decided I was fat and ugly and didn’t deserve to eat. It has stuck with me all the way to 46. I still struggle every day with how I look, what I eat, and my self-esteem.

This morning I started reading about emotional abuse and realized exactly how long I have been dealing with it. It goes way back to childhood. I moved in with my aunt and uncle at 14, when my family fell apart. I thought my aunt and uncle were an amazing family at the time, but now I realize how much emotional abuse went on in that home. I was not able to pick out my own clothes. My aunt picked them out for me. It was an extremely Christian home. I liked the boundaries there. But this morning when I was reading about emotional abuse I realized that the controlling that went on in that house was emotional abuse. And when I stopped being perfect, they kicked me out of their home.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18 after I attempted suicide. My uncle told my boyfriend at the time, I don’t care if she sleeps on a park bench she’s not coming home. That was pretty much the last time I talked to them or the boyfriend. I met my ex-husband shortly after. And he loved me when I was a complete disaster or so I thought. But, a person that loves you nurtures you, builds you up, and tells you that you are beautiful, smart, funny, and amazing. You are what you think you are. I didn’t become a beautiful unicorn goddess until I believed I was one. That is my blue energy for myself for today. You are and ALWAYS were a beautiful, smart, creative, funny, passionate unicorn goddess.

Here are some of the signs of emotional abuse. This list is a partial list from womenshealth.gov

You may be experiencing emotional or verbal abuse if someone:

  • Wants to know what you’re doing all the time and wants you to be in constant contact
  • Demands passwords to things like your phone, email, and social media and shows other signs of digital abuse
    (My ex-husband took my phone from me all the time. I am still touchy about anyone handling my phone because of this.)
  • Acts very jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating (constantly)
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
    (He made me unfriend friends or stop talking to people all the time.)
  • Tries to stop you from going to work or school
    (I stopped going to Libertarian meetings)
  • Controls all your finances or how you spend your money
    (I asked permission for everything I spent, including $3 items FOR YEARS)
  • Calls you insulting names (such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” “worthless,” “whore,” or “fat”)
    (He called me fat and a freak)
  • Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
    (The night before I packed up my bags and left, he told me he was going to kill me and kill himself)
  • Decides things for you that you should decide (like what to wear or eat)
    (My ex did not do this, but my aunt picked out everything I wore and controlled my eating. I believe she is responsible for my eating disorder)

I decided to blog about this because I want to influence women. When a social worker asked me if I was being abused, I said no. I had no idea that I was, in fact, being abused. Abuse isn’t just physical. If you are being emotionally abused, get help. Go see a therapist. Talk to someone. Talk to me!